


what i know

by Mongo00



Series: holding on (to life) [2]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 14:25:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13389717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mongo00/pseuds/Mongo00
Summary: Tyler sat at his desk, twirling a pencil in his hand.This may seem like an innocent, completely normal act, but it wasn’t. A pencil was a lot more harmful than anyone else would think. A pencil was the cause behind all of the lines on Tyler’s skin, and he was about to add another.





	what i know

Tyler sat at his desk, twirling a pencil in his hand. 

This may seem like an innocent, completely normal act, but it wasn’t. A pencil was a lot more harmful than anyone else would think. A pencil was the cause behind all of the lines on Tyler’s skin, and he was about to add another. 

Tyler stared at the pencil, tears welling up in his eyes. 

Despite what others may think, Tyler doesn’t enjoy cutting. He doesn’t want to cut, he has to. He has to cut to quiet the voices in his head. He has to cut to feel the release. He has to cut to feel free. 

Tyler grips the pencil and draws a faint test line on unmarked skin. He draws another one on top of it, making the first layer of his skin peel off.

He didn’t have school today, but he did homework the whole day. No school equals no structure and no structure was danger. School was the root of his depression and anxiety, but not having school made them so much worse. 

A tear from his eye fell onto his desk and he glances onto the table. His phone lights up with a text notification from his best friend, Josh. Josh doesn’t know what is happening at this instant. Of course, Josh knows about Tyler’s depression and anxiety. He just didn’t know that Tyler was actively cutting while they continue their all too normal chatter. 

Tyler draws lines on top of the ones already there, making the edges swell. Eventually, the line becomes red and so does the surrounding skin. 

With tears now streaming down his face, Tyler continues cutting deeper and deeper. The initial pain hurts, but the sight of the line makes him feel better. This is what he knows. Cutting was his coping mechanism. It wasn’t a healthy one, but he didn’t know any better. 

Tyler keeps tracing over the indented skin until it’s bright red, exposing the flesh below the skin. Cutting with pencil doesn’t bleed, but it sure leaves marks. 

Tyler gets off his chair and runs a bath. He slowly sinks in, wincing when the water hurt the fresh cut. He showered and put on his pajamas, wincing at the material rubbing against his cuts. 

The next morning, Tyler wears a sweatshirt, but also puts on bracelets to hide the cuts just in case. The bracelets rub against the fresh cuts and it hurts. All of it hurts. 

Tyler didn’t want to cut, he had to. He had to cut to quiet the voices in his head. He had to cut to feel the release. He had to cut to feel free. 

Josh would eventually find out that Tyler had cut once again. Josh would be disappointed in Tyler and Tyler would feel bad for making Josh sad. Tyler tried not to cut. He really did. He didn’t want to disappoint Josh. Josh was the reason he keeps living. Josh would eventually forgive Tyler and Tyler would vow to not cut again. 

But promises are meant to be broken and history will repeat itself as Tyler will stick to what he knows.


End file.
